// brain dump//

it’s my tumblr i’ll blog whatever the fuck i want. ive been reblogging a whole lot of depressing/heartbroken shit lately, mainly because i didnt have the balls to actually write out everything that’s on my mind. why? because i didnt want people to read it and then judge me afterwards -___- i know. stupid. thats why im just going to rant and rage and excuse me for sounding pathetic, weak, and hopeless, but that’s just how i feel right now.

so this one’s to you.

yeah, i know i said i’d stop talking about you

said i’d stop writing you, calling you, seeing you, being with you

stop thinking about you, crying over you, missing you

but i can’t

i need to hear your voice, i need to tell you about my day, what made me smile, what made me frown

i’d force myself to stop but then i’d be like a bottle just waiting to explode

you were my escape. and now i feel like i have nothing

fuck everything, i just want things back to the way they were

i miss holding your hand…even though you’d let go after a few minutes cause our palms would get clammy

i miss you sticking your hand in my back pocket…even though i’d slap it away the next second

i miss sleeping next to you…even though we never cuddled and we slept facing opposite directions anyway

i miss gazing at your long eyelashes…even though you’d turn away because you thought i was creepy

i miss good bye kisses…even though they only lasted a second

i miss being shotgun…even though we’d have silences where we’re both wondering what the other is thinking about

i miss talking about anything and everything to you…even though i’d mispronounce a word and you’d make fun of me about it for the remainder of the day

i miss being myself around you…even though i’m a giant dork and you’d turn away pretending like you dont know me

i miss you.

i know you say its pointless to say these things because it wouldn’t do us any good, but i wish i could just hear you say you miss me too. 

you say words cheapen things, but i wish just once i could hear you speak what you feel so i can know that i meant something to you

you say you can still do all those things as just my friend, but thats not enough for me. i need to know that you’re mine and only mine because im stupid and selfish and selfishly stupid and i just need that sense of security because im so damn insecure

feelings change but memories dont, well memories can be forgotten

remember those late night food adventures where we’d hop in your car at 2 or 3 in the morning just to go eat

remember those countless hours where we’d scroll through netflix trying so hard to find something to watch, just to end up spending more time on looking for a movie than actually watching one

remember rolling around the grass, pretending like you were a vampire under the stars

remember waking up in the afternoon and screaming out “FAHHHKK” because we slept in way later than we wanted to

remember when i told you what a guppy and a scone was

i dont even know why im doing this, chances are you’re probably not gonna read it.

these past few days have been tough for me because i feel like im getting left behind, i feel like you’ve closed the door on me and you’re moving on 

why the fuck am i trying so hard to maintain a space in your heart

you clearly told me you dont love me anymore

so why am i so stupid that i cant forget you and move on

i hate myself for being so weak

i hate myself for being here the past week and a half

i hate myself for going back on everything i said i wouldnt do and doing it anyways.

but most of all

i hate myself for dwelling over you.